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Friday, December 24, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
A Plague of Perfectionism
Lately I have been observing a current plague that is sweeping through the women in the Church. I am seeing more and more women who are natural-born leaders, gifted, and passionate- who are being stunted and imprisoned by the illusiveness of perfectionism. As I look at these incredible and inspiring women, I see this generation’s “Esthers” and “Deborahs”. And while all this potential is just waiting to shape the upcoming generations in powerful ways, I am seeing them continually hit a brick wall. Stuck in stagnation; battling not the enemy, but themselves and their own preconceived notions. My immediate observation is that when I am around these women who are destined to do God-sized things, their obsession with perfection, or lack thereof, seems to be a sign of insecurity. How do we move past the insecurity? How do we embrace our imperfection and yet embrace the potential that God is calling us too?
Let’s begin by exposing a twisted little truth. What is insecurity? Ironically, it’s pride. We wrongly put the focus on ourselves when we strive, hope or even believe that we have the ability to achieve perfection this side of heaven. Exposing this hidden truth challenges us to take the focus off of ourselves. But where do we instead put the focus?
We need to begin putting our focus in daily being- not doing. We don’t need to strive to BE anything. We just need to listen. And as we listen, growth is inevitable. Like a loving parent, God is sufficient to daily teach us what we need to learn. He knows where He wants to take us, and He is fully capable of taking us there.
Lately I have been painfully watching women who have the ability to change the world gather together, but not to join forces in developing the next generation of leaders. They stand side by side, patting each other on the backs, comforted and thankful that they too are not perfect. They console their insecurities by reassuring one another that they aren’t the only ones who don’t have everything together. Is it not a gathering of false humility? The focus is still on us. And we miss opportunities to embrace the power of God to change the next generation.
I by no means have anything together. But I will not be imprisoned by what I lack. I have seen firsthand what God can teach me and redeem in my life just by listening to what He wants to teach me in the seemingly meaningless moments of my days. I am where I am because He has taken me there- patiently and lovingly. But because of this, many women have expressed to me that they get frustrated with me because they think I believe I have everything somehow miraculously or “naturally” figured out. Other women have expressed that they think I am not vulnerable or seem fake. They don’t know the tumultuous journey I have been through in the past. They have not been witness to the painful lessons and continual learning process that I have submitted and committed myself to. (If you want to know, I am an open book and will gladly share the road that I have been on.)
Yes, I am imperfect. Yes, we are imperfect. Thank God that we are saved by God’s grace! We can all agree on that. But His grace doesn’t just stop at the cross…and for that, I don’t stop there either. Here is where my concern lies for these next-generation women leaders: there is another aspect of God’s grace that we forget about that needs to be applied to our lives today- the peace and freedom that is found in the Grace that is God's Wisdom.
God’s grace for us in this day is this: “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (James 1:5).” We can’t stay stagnant in our prideful insecurities. We can’t continue to sit around taking comfort in each other’s imperfections. We are called to something great. We are called to be molded by God’s wisdom. We are called to impact the next generation and lead them in the grace of God’s wisdom that He is revealing to us daily. We have all we need in Him. We have His wisdom to access every day, for EVERY situation. Let us not hide in embarrassment. Let us be bold in God’s wisdom, bold in our callings, and bold in our convictions. Esther and Deborah were. So too should we be.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Let’s begin by exposing a twisted little truth. What is insecurity? Ironically, it’s pride. We wrongly put the focus on ourselves when we strive, hope or even believe that we have the ability to achieve perfection this side of heaven. Exposing this hidden truth challenges us to take the focus off of ourselves. But where do we instead put the focus?
We need to begin putting our focus in daily being- not doing. We don’t need to strive to BE anything. We just need to listen. And as we listen, growth is inevitable. Like a loving parent, God is sufficient to daily teach us what we need to learn. He knows where He wants to take us, and He is fully capable of taking us there.
Lately I have been painfully watching women who have the ability to change the world gather together, but not to join forces in developing the next generation of leaders. They stand side by side, patting each other on the backs, comforted and thankful that they too are not perfect. They console their insecurities by reassuring one another that they aren’t the only ones who don’t have everything together. Is it not a gathering of false humility? The focus is still on us. And we miss opportunities to embrace the power of God to change the next generation.
I by no means have anything together. But I will not be imprisoned by what I lack. I have seen firsthand what God can teach me and redeem in my life just by listening to what He wants to teach me in the seemingly meaningless moments of my days. I am where I am because He has taken me there- patiently and lovingly. But because of this, many women have expressed to me that they get frustrated with me because they think I believe I have everything somehow miraculously or “naturally” figured out. Other women have expressed that they think I am not vulnerable or seem fake. They don’t know the tumultuous journey I have been through in the past. They have not been witness to the painful lessons and continual learning process that I have submitted and committed myself to. (If you want to know, I am an open book and will gladly share the road that I have been on.)
Yes, I am imperfect. Yes, we are imperfect. Thank God that we are saved by God’s grace! We can all agree on that. But His grace doesn’t just stop at the cross…and for that, I don’t stop there either. Here is where my concern lies for these next-generation women leaders: there is another aspect of God’s grace that we forget about that needs to be applied to our lives today- the peace and freedom that is found in the Grace that is God's Wisdom.
God’s grace for us in this day is this: “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him (James 1:5).” We can’t stay stagnant in our prideful insecurities. We can’t continue to sit around taking comfort in each other’s imperfections. We are called to something great. We are called to be molded by God’s wisdom. We are called to impact the next generation and lead them in the grace of God’s wisdom that He is revealing to us daily. We have all we need in Him. We have His wisdom to access every day, for EVERY situation. Let us not hide in embarrassment. Let us be bold in God’s wisdom, bold in our callings, and bold in our convictions. Esther and Deborah were. So too should we be.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:9-10
“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6
“For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Rebecca in a Nutshell
As I look into the future and try to look back on my life (which I am constantly reminded by older women that it will fly by faster than I want it to), I know one thing for sure: I don’t want to be in the final season of my life haunted by regrets and wishing time had just gone a little bit slower.
And knowing that now, I can’t help but think about the legacy I want to leave other women, but especially the legacy I want to leave my daughter and daughters to come. And every time I think about the legacy I want to or feel called to leave, I am constantly brought back to the high calling set out before me in Titus 2:3-5.
I never used to internalize that Scripture as something personal. I would typically skim over it as one of those verses that “need not apply.” First of all, Paul was writing to Titus, not to me. And secondly, it is so outdated that it would be nearly impossible to apply to our culture today. I thought, “Busy at home- how archaic!”
Chris and I will be married 6 years next month. During our first year of marriage I quickly realized the importance of Titus 2 and how much it really did apply in a very personal way. I discovered the nearly impossible application of it today is not due to irrelevancy but that it has been abandoned for so long that it is now completely foreign to us amongst every generation.
That first year of marriage was extremely difficult for me- not for Chris and I, but between me and myself. I immediately realized that the house in fact did need to be worked. Despite my being a very happy and efficient working woman, there was still plenty to be done at home after my day job. I quickly learned I didn’t know how to manage a home, let alone myself. And after a large grease fire and the tenth night in a row of chicken and burnt Rice-A-Roni, I realized I didn’t know how to cook either. And while my husband graciously made sure the house kept running (often cooking and cleaning without ever complaining and always being an encouragement to me) I became fully aware that I didn’t know how to take care of a house. I didn’t know how to be a Proverbs 31 woman. And I realized what Titus 2 is really doing is exhorting older women to equip younger women in the ways of the Proverbs 31 woman.
Often times I talk to women that are dismayed that there are no older women who are either present or willing to teach them the ways of the strong and powerful Proverbs 31 woman. I was dismayed about that myself when I first discovered my need. But with marriage and kids brought on an urgency that broke me out of that stalemate and helped me embrace the powerful and freeing truth that with God’s wisdom and His desire to teach me, I can learn to make my house a home. The Titus 2 legacy can begin with me.
It has not been an easy training. Many who know me now are shocked to find out that the first 3 years of our marriage I spent teaching myself how to cook, make the house a home and find ways to save money. Chris can testify that it was 3 years filled with tears, cursing, flying pots and pans, fires, bloody fingers, burnt food, wasted money and in the end, a pizza ordered by my patient husband to save the night…and my sanity. (I should point out, the cursing has stopped and things have gotten a whole lot better, though the occasional mishap still merits a last minute pizza. ;)
It has not been an easy journey; but it was one I entered into with abandon. No excuses are permitted here. After all, if I want to learn to be like the Proverbs 31 woman, then “she works with eager hands…and sets about her work vigorously.” I have since embraced my role as the C.O.O. of my household and take such pleasure in making my house a home in every way. It is my family’s sanctuary; it is my sanctuary. It is where memories are created, where my children’s’ character will be formed, and hopefully where my kids will also embrace this legacy as their own.
In everything I do, in every day of my fleeting life, I want to fully equip women in the ways of the Proverbs 31 woman- the essentials and the character needed for every season of life. And I want to start with my family.
That is me in a nutshell. Some just think I am a nut. And that’s okay too. Looking back on my life, I won’t regret any of it. I know what I am here to do and I am not taking one day for granted.
And knowing that now, I can’t help but think about the legacy I want to leave other women, but especially the legacy I want to leave my daughter and daughters to come. And every time I think about the legacy I want to or feel called to leave, I am constantly brought back to the high calling set out before me in Titus 2:3-5.
“Likewise, teach the older women to be reverent in the way they live, not to be slanderers or addicted to much wine, but to teach what is good. Then they can train the younger women to love their husbands and children, to be self-controlled and pure, to be busy at home, to be kind, and to be subject to their husbands, so that no one will malign the word of God.”
I never used to internalize that Scripture as something personal. I would typically skim over it as one of those verses that “need not apply.” First of all, Paul was writing to Titus, not to me. And secondly, it is so outdated that it would be nearly impossible to apply to our culture today. I thought, “Busy at home- how archaic!”
Chris and I will be married 6 years next month. During our first year of marriage I quickly realized the importance of Titus 2 and how much it really did apply in a very personal way. I discovered the nearly impossible application of it today is not due to irrelevancy but that it has been abandoned for so long that it is now completely foreign to us amongst every generation.
That first year of marriage was extremely difficult for me- not for Chris and I, but between me and myself. I immediately realized that the house in fact did need to be worked. Despite my being a very happy and efficient working woman, there was still plenty to be done at home after my day job. I quickly learned I didn’t know how to manage a home, let alone myself. And after a large grease fire and the tenth night in a row of chicken and burnt Rice-A-Roni, I realized I didn’t know how to cook either. And while my husband graciously made sure the house kept running (often cooking and cleaning without ever complaining and always being an encouragement to me) I became fully aware that I didn’t know how to take care of a house. I didn’t know how to be a Proverbs 31 woman. And I realized what Titus 2 is really doing is exhorting older women to equip younger women in the ways of the Proverbs 31 woman.
Often times I talk to women that are dismayed that there are no older women who are either present or willing to teach them the ways of the strong and powerful Proverbs 31 woman. I was dismayed about that myself when I first discovered my need. But with marriage and kids brought on an urgency that broke me out of that stalemate and helped me embrace the powerful and freeing truth that with God’s wisdom and His desire to teach me, I can learn to make my house a home. The Titus 2 legacy can begin with me.
It has not been an easy training. Many who know me now are shocked to find out that the first 3 years of our marriage I spent teaching myself how to cook, make the house a home and find ways to save money. Chris can testify that it was 3 years filled with tears, cursing, flying pots and pans, fires, bloody fingers, burnt food, wasted money and in the end, a pizza ordered by my patient husband to save the night…and my sanity. (I should point out, the cursing has stopped and things have gotten a whole lot better, though the occasional mishap still merits a last minute pizza. ;)
It has not been an easy journey; but it was one I entered into with abandon. No excuses are permitted here. After all, if I want to learn to be like the Proverbs 31 woman, then “she works with eager hands…and sets about her work vigorously.” I have since embraced my role as the C.O.O. of my household and take such pleasure in making my house a home in every way. It is my family’s sanctuary; it is my sanctuary. It is where memories are created, where my children’s’ character will be formed, and hopefully where my kids will also embrace this legacy as their own.
In everything I do, in every day of my fleeting life, I want to fully equip women in the ways of the Proverbs 31 woman- the essentials and the character needed for every season of life. And I want to start with my family.
That is me in a nutshell. Some just think I am a nut. And that’s okay too. Looking back on my life, I won’t regret any of it. I know what I am here to do and I am not taking one day for granted.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
The Taboo of Rebuke
There are many types of love, no doubt. “I am falling in love”, “I’ve fallen out of love”, “He sends shivers down my spine”, “I’d die for you”… the descriptions could go on and on. Every person has a different way of defining it. But my question is: What is AUTHENTIC LOVE? How do you know it is REAL?
I have always loved the verse “better is open rebuke than hidden love,” because to me, the truth is invaluable. If you have ever been the person that has been denied truth, then I am sure you can relate. You don’t know its extreme value until you are the one without it. And because I learned its value early on, I have always been passionate about loving people with truth. Some don’t like that about me. Some think I am harsh or too blunt. But, love me or leave me- you know where I stand.
Since I have become a mother and have walked through the trenches of disciplining and training my beautiful daughter, I have been reminded of this verse over and over again. It has confirmed for me what authentic love is. Authentic love is caring more about the person than the relationship. If Eden really wants to touch the fire on the stove, it would be unloving for me to say “Go for it! I totally support you!” Why? Because I care more about her well-being then the fact that she is going to be mad that I spoke up and stopped her. She may not understand at the time. But she will one day know that it was because of real love.
Do a search for the word “rebuke” in Scripture and you will come up with about 101 references. It is by no mistake that the word rebuke is used so often. That is the model of love that God has given to us. And He expects us to love each other with that same love.
Authentic love is caring more about the person than the relationship. By God's definition, that is real love. That is what I give to those I love- and that is what I expect back in return. My challenge to you is to not be a wuss with your love. Authentic love isn’t always easy or comfortable. But if you truly love them, you will care more about them than the relationship.
“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.” Revelation 3:19
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” Proverbs 27:5
I have always loved the verse “better is open rebuke than hidden love,” because to me, the truth is invaluable. If you have ever been the person that has been denied truth, then I am sure you can relate. You don’t know its extreme value until you are the one without it. And because I learned its value early on, I have always been passionate about loving people with truth. Some don’t like that about me. Some think I am harsh or too blunt. But, love me or leave me- you know where I stand.
Since I have become a mother and have walked through the trenches of disciplining and training my beautiful daughter, I have been reminded of this verse over and over again. It has confirmed for me what authentic love is. Authentic love is caring more about the person than the relationship. If Eden really wants to touch the fire on the stove, it would be unloving for me to say “Go for it! I totally support you!” Why? Because I care more about her well-being then the fact that she is going to be mad that I spoke up and stopped her. She may not understand at the time. But she will one day know that it was because of real love.
Do a search for the word “rebuke” in Scripture and you will come up with about 101 references. It is by no mistake that the word rebuke is used so often. That is the model of love that God has given to us. And He expects us to love each other with that same love.
Authentic love is caring more about the person than the relationship. By God's definition, that is real love. That is what I give to those I love- and that is what I expect back in return. My challenge to you is to not be a wuss with your love. Authentic love isn’t always easy or comfortable. But if you truly love them, you will care more about them than the relationship.
“Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline.” Revelation 3:19
“Better is open rebuke than hidden love.” Proverbs 27:5
Saturday, July 10, 2010
One of my favorite things about my husband...
One of my favorite things about my husband is that he leads my family. He is leading us on an adventure, he is taking us on a mission, he diligently maps out a vision for our finances and time, and he makes the hard decisions to keep our family on track to leave the legacy we feel called to leave with the little time we have on this earth. He embraces his leadership with all his heart and feels the weight of the accountability that comes with that. He doesn’t coward from his responsibilities and when he doesn’t know how to do something or what choice is the wise choice to make, he seeks the best counsel out there. He is a Warrior in his leadership.
And in all his strength in leading, he is the most gentle and thoughtful leader I have ever known. In all his decision-making, he runs everything through the filter of what is best for me and our children. He is a Gentleman in his leadership. And in that I am able to rest and focus on what I feel called to do…to oversee the home. Call me old fashioned…but this partnership makes life an amazing Adventure.
And in all his strength in leading, he is the most gentle and thoughtful leader I have ever known. In all his decision-making, he runs everything through the filter of what is best for me and our children. He is a Gentleman in his leadership. And in that I am able to rest and focus on what I feel called to do…to oversee the home. Call me old fashioned…but this partnership makes life an amazing Adventure.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
The Lost Art of Mourning with Others
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.” Romans 12:15
Life certainly has its ups and downs and no one is immune to the valleys that we all, at some point, experience. All of our darkest moments are different, but the pain, confusion and sadness we feel are the same. Some of my darkest moments have been in the process of starting a family. Chris and I walked through a 2-year valley of infertility and unanswered questions which included the pain of coming to terms with a childless future and the guilt of not being able to give my husband children knowing just how great of a father he would be. In 2007, I wrote in my journal, “Grieving is a beautiful and healing thing. But one cannot even begin to grieve a childless future.” Granted, we both were looking forward to adopting, and even now we are still preparing to, but this valley was personal, it was deep, and we had to walk through it. The joy of adoption was separate from the grieving of not being able to bear children.
The next valley was the darkest of both mine and Chris’ lives. On July 17, 2008 I woke up at 6:30 a.m. to my water breaking. We were off and excited to have this baby that we had waited so long for. To my surprise, the whole labor process was a lot less scary than I had thought it was going to be. Don’t get me wrong, it was the hardest work I have ever done, but it wasn’t scary. I pushed for 2 hours and 3 pushes away from having our little one, all of a sudden I screamed out “My heart!” My heart shot up to 220 beats a minute within 2 seconds and climbed higher with every attempted push. I never imagined when I walked into the hospital that my life would be threatened during childbirth. An hour dragged by and the entire room full of doctors and heart surgeons still could not decide what should be done. Then the dreaded question was asked to Chris, “Who do you want us to ‘focus’ on? We can let her wait for a while longer and not push, but that puts the baby at risk, or we can have her push and we can use the defibrillator if her heart fails.”
…And that valley continued when we got home. Now both safe at home and free from EKG wires, I had to deal with postpartum depression that often happens after a traumatic birthing experience. With a new baby at home, I was unable to process what had happened to me, unable to look for answers, and to heal physically. These have been some of my darkest moments. And since then, I can’t help but notice that there are three types of damaging responses that have become popular for these valleys that are so deep and personal to us.
The first popular response is using GENERIC CLICHES like, “Don’t worry, God is in control,” and “God is good! Everything will work out.” How do you even respond to that when you are walking alone in the valley? They feel so hollow. Maybe these statements have been made to you before and left you feeling misunderstood or lonely or even questioning if you are spiritually okay since you don’t feel like everything is going to work out. Personally, these responses just make me want to scream and rip my arm off just so I have something to throw at them! I know that God is in control! I know that He is good! I know what He has promised me! Do you think I don’t know this?! It doesn’t negate the fact that valleys are real, the journey is real, and the pain is real. I am not necessarily saying our intentions are bad when we say these responses. I think most of us can agree we often don’t know what to say in those moments. What I fear is that these generic clichés are coming from an insecure heart. We don’t know what to say, so instead we try to come up with a spiritual response that seems like the right thing, or righteous thing, to say. We are trying to sound spiritual when it is not needed. Why do we fear the silence of not saying anything? Why don’t we just be REAL and REALLY be in the moment with them? Romans 12:15 is not calling us to spiritually rescue a person; it is calling us to feel with the person.
The second popular response that I’ve been noticing is that we are NAMING and CLAIMING things that aren’t actually promised to us like, “I trust they will be healed.” The truth is we are not in control and we can’t declare outcomes by naming and claiming what we want to see happen. True faith has been explained as “believing that God is who He says He is and that He will do what He has promised to do.” True faith is dependent on knowing who God is and what He has promised. What that means is true faith is dependent on knowing God’s Word. Have you ever read the full story of God? Not just the Gospels and Psalms, but also Isaiah, Micah, Amos, Obadiah, Revelation, and everything in between? No where does God promise in the Bible that everything always turns out exactly how we want it to. He never promises to keep us from the storm. What He does promise is that He will walk with us through the storm. We are not in control, and naming and claiming promises not found in Scripture can be dangerously misleading to the listener.
The third and final popular response that I’ve been noticing is that we sometimes offer up a long, UNWARRANTED SPIRITUAL DISSERTATION without even really knowing the situation or even the person…just like Job’s friends did in the Old Testament. Sometimes we go off on a long tangent, when in fact that person doesn’t really care to hear your thoughts or advice. Realizing I am not as great as I think I am, I like to honestly evaluate two questions before I speak: 1) “Do they want to know what I think?” and 2) “What is my relationship with them- honestly?” It is humbling for me to think about those answers before I start airing what I feel I desperately need to say. Even in these seemingly dire situations, we are to be “quick to listen, slow to speak (James 1:19).”
The reason why I write about these personal experiences is because I fear that we have lost the art of mourning with those who mourn that is asked of us in Romans 12:15. Our mourning with each other has turned into mere pep talks...or even less personal generic cliché Facebook posts. It is nothing like the nurturing and healing mourning we see in Judges 11 where Jephthah’s daughter learns she will never marry.
In these days and in this culture, we mourn alone. Rather than standing side by side in the valley, we stay at a safe distance. There is no companionship. There is no getting away together. There is no weeping and feeling with the other person. And as many of my friends are currently facing valleys of their own, I am seeing serious consequences of not truly mourning with each other that I think we need to take notice of in our own lives:
- We fail to be REAL with each other. Generic clichés mark the period of the end of any conversation. If your response to my valley is “Don’t worry, God is in control” then you have given the concluding statement. Period. The conversation is over. The wall is immediately built. The conversation cannot go to the next level about my real emotions of fear, confusion, sadness, etc. Generic clichés do not invite the hurting to share and be vulnerable. Rather, they place a fear of responding at all because we do not want to sound faithless just because we are wrestling with hurt and confusion.
- We lack authentic relationships. Failing to be real with each other leads to a lack of authentic relationships. Our response to those in mourning remains so minimal that we always stay at a safe distance. And sadly, those who give unwarranted spiritual dissertations are in denial about where their relationships actually stand already.
- We fail to embrace true faith. We might like saying all the things that sound greatly needed and spiritual and righteous-y in the moment. But do we know who God really is? Not our own version of God, but the God who has revealed Himself in Scripture? And do we know what He has actually promised us? Not just what we feel we are entitled to, but what He has actually declared in Scripture as His promises?
I don’t know, maybe everyone is right and I think too much. Maybe I’ve lost my marbles. But this is just me. What do you think?
SCRIPTURE ON MOURNING
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
“There is a time for everything…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...a time to be silent and a time to speak…” Ecclesiastes 3
“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Proverbs 25:11
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matt 5:4
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20
Life certainly has its ups and downs and no one is immune to the valleys that we all, at some point, experience. All of our darkest moments are different, but the pain, confusion and sadness we feel are the same. Some of my darkest moments have been in the process of starting a family. Chris and I walked through a 2-year valley of infertility and unanswered questions which included the pain of coming to terms with a childless future and the guilt of not being able to give my husband children knowing just how great of a father he would be. In 2007, I wrote in my journal, “Grieving is a beautiful and healing thing. But one cannot even begin to grieve a childless future.” Granted, we both were looking forward to adopting, and even now we are still preparing to, but this valley was personal, it was deep, and we had to walk through it. The joy of adoption was separate from the grieving of not being able to bear children.
The next valley was the darkest of both mine and Chris’ lives. On July 17, 2008 I woke up at 6:30 a.m. to my water breaking. We were off and excited to have this baby that we had waited so long for. To my surprise, the whole labor process was a lot less scary than I had thought it was going to be. Don’t get me wrong, it was the hardest work I have ever done, but it wasn’t scary. I pushed for 2 hours and 3 pushes away from having our little one, all of a sudden I screamed out “My heart!” My heart shot up to 220 beats a minute within 2 seconds and climbed higher with every attempted push. I never imagined when I walked into the hospital that my life would be threatened during childbirth. An hour dragged by and the entire room full of doctors and heart surgeons still could not decide what should be done. Then the dreaded question was asked to Chris, “Who do you want us to ‘focus’ on? We can let her wait for a while longer and not push, but that puts the baby at risk, or we can have her push and we can use the defibrillator if her heart fails.”
…And that valley continued when we got home. Now both safe at home and free from EKG wires, I had to deal with postpartum depression that often happens after a traumatic birthing experience. With a new baby at home, I was unable to process what had happened to me, unable to look for answers, and to heal physically. These have been some of my darkest moments. And since then, I can’t help but notice that there are three types of damaging responses that have become popular for these valleys that are so deep and personal to us.
The first popular response is using GENERIC CLICHES like, “Don’t worry, God is in control,” and “God is good! Everything will work out.” How do you even respond to that when you are walking alone in the valley? They feel so hollow. Maybe these statements have been made to you before and left you feeling misunderstood or lonely or even questioning if you are spiritually okay since you don’t feel like everything is going to work out. Personally, these responses just make me want to scream and rip my arm off just so I have something to throw at them! I know that God is in control! I know that He is good! I know what He has promised me! Do you think I don’t know this?! It doesn’t negate the fact that valleys are real, the journey is real, and the pain is real. I am not necessarily saying our intentions are bad when we say these responses. I think most of us can agree we often don’t know what to say in those moments. What I fear is that these generic clichés are coming from an insecure heart. We don’t know what to say, so instead we try to come up with a spiritual response that seems like the right thing, or righteous thing, to say. We are trying to sound spiritual when it is not needed. Why do we fear the silence of not saying anything? Why don’t we just be REAL and REALLY be in the moment with them? Romans 12:15 is not calling us to spiritually rescue a person; it is calling us to feel with the person.
The second popular response that I’ve been noticing is that we are NAMING and CLAIMING things that aren’t actually promised to us like, “I trust they will be healed.” The truth is we are not in control and we can’t declare outcomes by naming and claiming what we want to see happen. True faith has been explained as “believing that God is who He says He is and that He will do what He has promised to do.” True faith is dependent on knowing who God is and what He has promised. What that means is true faith is dependent on knowing God’s Word. Have you ever read the full story of God? Not just the Gospels and Psalms, but also Isaiah, Micah, Amos, Obadiah, Revelation, and everything in between? No where does God promise in the Bible that everything always turns out exactly how we want it to. He never promises to keep us from the storm. What He does promise is that He will walk with us through the storm. We are not in control, and naming and claiming promises not found in Scripture can be dangerously misleading to the listener.
The third and final popular response that I’ve been noticing is that we sometimes offer up a long, UNWARRANTED SPIRITUAL DISSERTATION without even really knowing the situation or even the person…just like Job’s friends did in the Old Testament. Sometimes we go off on a long tangent, when in fact that person doesn’t really care to hear your thoughts or advice. Realizing I am not as great as I think I am, I like to honestly evaluate two questions before I speak: 1) “Do they want to know what I think?” and 2) “What is my relationship with them- honestly?” It is humbling for me to think about those answers before I start airing what I feel I desperately need to say. Even in these seemingly dire situations, we are to be “quick to listen, slow to speak (James 1:19).”
The reason why I write about these personal experiences is because I fear that we have lost the art of mourning with those who mourn that is asked of us in Romans 12:15. Our mourning with each other has turned into mere pep talks...or even less personal generic cliché Facebook posts. It is nothing like the nurturing and healing mourning we see in Judges 11 where Jephthah’s daughter learns she will never marry.
36 "My father," she replied, "you have given your word to the LORD. Do to me just as you promised, now that the LORD has avenged you of your enemies, the Ammonites. 37 But grant me this one request," she said. "Give me two months to roam the hills and weep with my friends, because I will never marry."
38 "You may go," he said. And he let her go for two months. She and the girls went into the hills and wept because she would never marry.
In these days and in this culture, we mourn alone. Rather than standing side by side in the valley, we stay at a safe distance. There is no companionship. There is no getting away together. There is no weeping and feeling with the other person. And as many of my friends are currently facing valleys of their own, I am seeing serious consequences of not truly mourning with each other that I think we need to take notice of in our own lives:
- We fail to be REAL with each other. Generic clichés mark the period of the end of any conversation. If your response to my valley is “Don’t worry, God is in control” then you have given the concluding statement. Period. The conversation is over. The wall is immediately built. The conversation cannot go to the next level about my real emotions of fear, confusion, sadness, etc. Generic clichés do not invite the hurting to share and be vulnerable. Rather, they place a fear of responding at all because we do not want to sound faithless just because we are wrestling with hurt and confusion.
- We lack authentic relationships. Failing to be real with each other leads to a lack of authentic relationships. Our response to those in mourning remains so minimal that we always stay at a safe distance. And sadly, those who give unwarranted spiritual dissertations are in denial about where their relationships actually stand already.
- We fail to embrace true faith. We might like saying all the things that sound greatly needed and spiritual and righteous-y in the moment. But do we know who God really is? Not our own version of God, but the God who has revealed Himself in Scripture? And do we know what He has actually promised us? Not just what we feel we are entitled to, but what He has actually declared in Scripture as His promises?
I don’t know, maybe everyone is right and I think too much. Maybe I’ve lost my marbles. But this is just me. What do you think?
SCRIPTURE ON MOURNING
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4
“There is a time for everything…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance...a time to be silent and a time to speak…” Ecclesiastes 3
“A word aptly spoken is like apples of gold in settings of silver.” Proverbs 25:11
“Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” Matt 5:4
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." Matthew 28:20
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